Poison Ivy's Birthday Bash
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Poison Ivy wants to celebrate her birthday with a grown-up women only evening. She insists on Harley Quinn being there, which is problematic, since it means Harley has to leave her toddler children in the care of their father, the Joker. What could possibly go wrong? Thanks to Freelancer Mississippi for the suggestion of Emilia joining in on Girl's Night :-)
1. Chapter 1

**Poison Ivy's Birthday Bash**

"Did you ever imagine your life would turn out like this?" sighed Harley Quinn dreamily, as she watched her twin children, Arleen and J.J., chasing each other around the room, screaming as they wielded child-size weapons.

"Did I ever imagine I would be the wife of a famous supercriminal who believes in frightening people to death with his own brand of fear toxin?" asked Emilia Crane, as she nursed her baby daughter Katrina. "No, I can't say I did. Although of course I'm terribly pleased about it."

"I was thinking more about being a mother to such wonderful kiddies," said Harley, nodding at them. "It's amazing to watch 'em grow day by day, learning things we take for granted, like walking or talking or handling weapons. But, y'know, wife of a famous supercriminal is good too. At least, I imagine it would be, if Mr. J would ever pop the question," she added.

"Well, I did always imagine I'd have children," said Emilia, nodding. "Although perhaps…not in such quick succession," she added, carefully stroking her bulging belly. "But these things do happen."

"That's what Mr. J said when I told him I was pregnant," said Harley, nodding. "But he still blamed me entirely for it, and wouldn't go near me for weeks afterward."

"How very…gallant of him," said Emilia, slowly.

"Aw, he's over it now," said Harley, waving her hand. "Mr. J's just crazy about the kiddies, just like I knew he would be. Although I sometimes do wish he was home a bit more, to spend a little more time with them. I mean, don't get me wrong, he's around as much as he can be, but it's never really been…just him and the kiddies. He's never got to bond with them one-on-one. I'm always kinda around to…supervise them. Must be similar with you and Johnny, huh?" she asked.

"Actually, we try and share everything as much as possible," said Emilia. "I'll look after Katrina by myself when Jonathan has a scheme, but when he's not working, he tries to give me days where I can work on my writing in peace. Of course the baby does need feeding regularly, and that's fairly unavoidable, but he'll handle all the crying and messes and things."

"Yeah? That sounds…nice," said Harley, slowly.

"Well, the nicest is when we can both be home with Katrina and be a family, of course," said Emilia. "And I'll bet it's the same for you and the Joker."

"Yeah," agreed Harley, smiling. "Anyway, I ain't sure I trust Mr. J home alone with them. He's not the most responsible of men."

"I would never have guessed that," said Emilia, hoping she didn't sound too sarcastic.

The door was kicked open at that moment. "Harley, remember when I said we might need to look into getting a new car?" asked the Joker, as he strode in, dripping wet.

"Uh…yeah," said Harley.

"Well, we need to do that ASAP," said Joker, nodding. "The car's at the bottom of the Gotham River now."

"How did that happen?" asked Harley.

"Well, I was being chased by the Bat, and he shoots this kinda Bat-grappling hook onto the back of the car, and starts reeling it in. So I head across the bridge, turn sharply, send the car through the railing and into the water. He's closely attached, so he comes barreling into the water right after me. I hope he got out, but I'm sure he did. He always escapes my death-traps, so a little sinking car should be no sweat. Needless to say, I didn't stick around to find out."

"Puddin', we had the kiddies' car-seats in there," sighed Harley. "You know how expensive those are?"

"It ain't the expense I'm worried about – more the Riddler-like torture of putting 'em together," said Joker. "Setting 'em up is about as complicated as one of his riddles, and probably a bit more tedious. Though it's a high bar."

"Daddy's home!" squealed both Arleen and J.J., racing over to embrace their father.

"Hey, how are my little maniacs today?" cooed Joker, kissing them both. "Hope you've caused lots of fun and mayhem while Daddy's been away!"

"Puddin', you got dirty river water all over you," sighed Harley. "You know the kinda crap people throw in there? Trash and gangland snitches and stuff – it's disgusting. Could you maybe take a shower before hugging the kiddies? I don't want them getting whatever disease is in the river."

"Right now, it's a nasty case of Batman-itis!" chuckled Joker. "And maybe a case of Scarecrow-itis too!"

"Jonathan was with you?" asked Emilia, concerned. "Is he all right?"

Her question was answered as someone else suddenly kicked open the door. "You idiot!" roared Jonathan Crane, storming inside the room also dripping wet. "First you drive us into the river, and then you just abandon me in the sinking car?!"

"It's called survival of the fittest, Johnny," retorted Joker. "And it's important for the improvement of the human race that people with undesirable traits, like people who can't get outta sinking cars on their own, be wiped from the earth so their useless genes don't pass on and infect the population. It's sad and brutal, but that's nature for you."

"First of all, I have a child, and another on the way!" snapped Crane. "So it's a little late for that! And second of all, that's the most pathetic excuse I've ever heard for being a coward who abandons his collaborator…"

"Ok, we're not collaborators," interrupted Joker. "We just happened to be robbing the same place at the same time, and my car was the nearest getaway vehicle when the Bat showed up. Maybe you shoulda used your own car if you're so particular about how I drive mine."

"You drove it off the bridge into the river!" shouted Crane. "I don't think it's unreasonable to object to that!"

"Well, how else would you have escaped the Bat, smarty pants?" asked Joker. "If I hadn't driven the car into the river, he'd probably have caught us, and we'd both be in Arkham right now, instead of surrounded by our loving families. Of course in your case, I'm sure Emilia would have thanked me."

"You son of a…" began Crane.

"Jonathan, language!" snapped Emilia. "And you're upsetting the baby with your yelling!" she added, as Katrina began to cry. "Just try to calm down and be civil."

"Calm down?!" repeated Crane. "After what he did?!"

"He's the Joker, Jonathan – he's going to be unpredictable," retorted Emilia. "It's just in his nature."

"See, even your wife is on my side," said Joker, sticking his tongue out. "You're all right, sweetheart, and far, far too good for this loser," he said, gesturing at Crane. "Admit it, you would have thanked me if he had drowned."

"Actually, I would prefer if, in future, Joker, you don't put my husband in situations where he could possibly drown," said Emilia. "Just please avoid them if possible."

"You got it," said Joker, nodding. "Now Daddy's gonna go change," he said, patting his children on the head. "Who wants to help him burn his wet clothes afterward?"

"I do! I do!" cried both Arleen and J.J.

"Good! I'll teach you how to build a bonfire," said Joker.

"Not in the house!" called Harley, as Arleen and J.J. ran after their father, giggling excitedly.

"We should head home and get you changed too, Jonathan," said Emilia, standing up and handing Katrina to him. "Though I think washing your clothes will do, instead of burning them."

There was a knock on the door suddenly. "I'll get it!" said Harley, skipping over. She opened the door and beamed. "Red, what a pleasant surprise!"

"Hello, Harley," said Poison Ivy. "Hope I'm not interrupting anything?" she asked, noticing the Cranes.

"Nah, we were just having a little playgroup session while the men were working," said Harley.

"Were they working underwater?" asked Ivy, studying Crane.

"I don't want to talk about it," he muttered, heading out the door. "We'll be in the car."

"What brings you to our little ha-hacienda?" asked Harley, gesturing Ivy inside.

"I actually just came to give you an invitation," said Ivy, handing her an envelope. "As you probably know, it's my birthday next week…"

"Yeah, a big one, ain't it?" asked Harley. "Over the hill, right?"

"No," said Ivy, hastily.

"Yeah, I think it is," said Harley, frowning. "You're three years older than me, so it's the big…"

"It's not!" interrupted Ivy. "It's not a special occasion birthday – I just want to have a big party this year."

"Why, if it ain't a special occasion?" asked Harley.

"Because it's my birthday, and I feel like it," retorted Ivy. "Anyway, as you can see from the invite, it's girls only. There's gonna be some…adult entertainment that only women will enjoy."

"Well, gee, Red, I can't come to that," said Harley, frowning. "The kiddies are too young to see things like that."

"The kiddies aren't invited," retorted Ivy. "It's a grown-up party, for women only. And you're the only one who's invited."

"But…but who's gonna look after the kiddies?" asked Harley, confused.

"Maybe that useless man who fathered them could do it, for once," snapped Ivy.

"On his own?" asked Harley. "Without supervision?"

"For God's sake, Harley, he's their father!" snapped Ivy. "He should be able to look after them for one evening on his own without incident!"

"I dunno, Red – Mr. J's kinda known for creating incidents," said Harley, looking worried.

"Harley, you have to come," retorted Ivy. "You're my best friend, and it wouldn't be the same without you. Plus it's actually kinda hard to find women friends to invite to a women only party, so I need all of them I can get. For some reason, I seem to have alienated most of my other women friends."

"What about Emilia?" asked Harley. "Can she come?"

"Sure, the more the merrier," said Ivy, nodding at Emilia. "I don't have an invite handy, but you can get the details from Harley's."

"Oh, that's…very flattering," stammered Emilia. "I would have to check with Jonathan, of course..."

"You don't need his permission to do things, you know," snapped Ivy. "You're his wife, not his servant!"

"I mean…to make sure he's free to look after Katrina," finished Emilia.

"It's next Saturday evening, 7 o'clock," said Ivy. "Be there, both of you, or be traitors to women-kind. See you then," she said, heading out the door.

"You know, I think I understand the reason why she's alienated her other women friends," commented Emilia. "But it's nice to be invited. Not being a supervillain myself, I've always felt a little left out of these get-togethers."

"Yeah, I'm sure it'll be lots of fun," said Harley. "I'm just a little worried about leaving the kiddies with Mr. J. I mean, I'm sure he wouldn't let anything happen to them on purpose, but accidents can happen…"

"Do you smell smoke?" asked Emilia, suddenly.

The door to the bedroom burst open, and Joker rushed out with Arleen and J.J. in his arms. "Bad news, Harl – the bonfire caught the mattress, and then the curtains, and we should probably get outta the building right away."

"What did I tell you about doing that inside?!" shrieked Harley.

"I don't know – I don't listen to you!" snapped Joker. "Now get out before the room explodes – I might have left a gasoline can in there to add to the fire. You know, for funsies."

Needless to say, as everyone evacuated the building and the fire consumed it, Harley's worries were not at all assuaged.


	2. Chapter 2

"Well, of course you _can_ go to this party, my angel, but do you really want to?" asked Jonathan Crane the next day, as he fed his pet raven Lenore some meal worms.

"Yes, I think I do," said Emilia, nodding. "I told Harley, I'm never invited to any of these supervillain get-togethers, and I've always felt a little left out of their girly evenings. This might be a good way to get to know some of the notorious women of Gotham better. I imagine Catwoman will be there, for instance, and I don't think I've ever met her."

"I just can't imagine that you and Poison Ivy have anything in common," said Crane. "You have completely different tastes, so anything she thinks might be fun probably won't appeal to you."

"Well, Harley and Ivy seem to have completely different tastes, but they're best friends," said Emilia. "Maybe there's more to her than meets the eye."

"No, Harley just likes everyone," retorted Crane. "She's in love with the Joker, for God's sake – she's clearly not the most discerning individual. Anyway, if you have a passion for plants and a hatred for men, I imagine Ivy's excellent company. But since you don't have either of those things, I suspect you'll be bored out of your mind."

"Even if I am, it's the thought that counts," said Emilia. "And frankly, I'd like to feel like I belong in your peer group, Jonathan. Compared to all of your supercriminal friends and associates, I sometimes feel very boring and normal by comparison."

"You're neither boring nor normal, my angel – I couldn't love you if you were either of those things," said Crane, kissing her. "And you don't need to fit in with a bunch of supercriminals to be accepted by them. Judging from yesterday, the Joker rates you higher than he does me."

"That's because you and he have a history of mutual loathing, Jonathan," retorted Emilia. "He might not like me if he got to know me as well as he knows you. Anyway, I just want a chance to prove myself to the other women, to fit in. You know I was never very good at that at school, fitting in with normal people. So I'd like to hope that I could at least fit in with people who aren't normal. It would really make me happy if I could. It would finally make me feel like I belong in this crazy little world of ours."

"Well, when you put it like that, I hope you have a wonderful time," said Crane. "Although of course remember that you can't have alcohol, which might make the party less fun anyway."

"Believe me, Jonathan, if there's one thing I've learned hanging out with your friends, it's that you don't need alcohol to have a good time," retorted Emilia. "And I'd rather not have impaired reflexes anyway – you never know when something will go wrong around them. Although with the Joker being absent from the party, I'm hopeful things will be smoother than usual."

"Has Harley found a babysitter for the children?" asked Crane.

"I think she's letting the Joker look after them," replied Emilia.

Crane laughed. "Yes, very funny, my dear. But seriously, has she called Jervis?"

"I think she was being serious, Jonathan," said Emilia.

"She couldn't possibly be – the Joker can't even take care of himself, let alone two young children," retorted Crane. "Harley had me and Jervis babysit him once when she went away. If she can't even trust him to take care of himself, what chance does he have of taking care of toddlers? Especially his extraordinarily energetic and mischievous toddlers."

"Honestly, Jonathan, he has to step up to his role as a father sometime," retorted Emilia. "In an ideal world, both parents should be actively involved in a child's upbringing. Harley only has two children, not three, and she should be able to depend on her children's father to be there, and be responsible, when he needs to be."

"But their father is the Joker," retorted Crane. "Who is by definition irresponsible. Which is unfortunate, but then again, she did pick him."

"I'm sure a man who can organize these grand, complicated schemes for Batman can spend one evening taking care of his twin children," said Emilia. "It's not like he's being asked to perform brain surgery."

"I actually think he'd be better at that than looking after children – he's surprisingly handy with a knife," said Crane.

"The real question is, what shall I wear to this party?" asked Emilia, heading into their bedroom and opening her closet. "I don't really have anything particularly fancy. Although perhaps it isn't a fancy party – Ivy did say it was going to be a women-only party with adult entertainment. Maybe she wants things a bit more grungy."

"What do you suppose she meant by that?" asked Crane, frowning.

"Adult entertainment?" repeated Emilia. "I don't know – maybe she's hired a male stripper or something."

"Oh. I see," said Crane. He cleared his throat. "Are you sure you have to go to this party, my dear?"

"Didn't we just go over this?" asked Emilia, turning to him.

"Yes, but…I didn't know there was going to be…adult entertainment," he stammered.

"Well, I am an adult, Jonathan," replied Emilia. "And you're staying home with Katrina, remember?"

"Yes, of course, I just…I…" stammered Crane.

"What is it, Jonathan?" she asked.

"I…I'm not sure I…like the idea of you…looking at other naked men, that's all," he retorted.

"Why? Are you jealous?" she asked.

"Not jealous exactly, just…you know," he said. "Would you like me looking at other naked women?"

"I assume you have seen other naked women besides me at some point in your life," said Emilia. "Haven't you?"

Crane looked down. "Not…in the flesh…and not alive ones anyway."

"What does that mean?" asked Emilia, concerned.

"I went to medical school – we did anatomy," retorted Crane. "But the women cadavers were…well, as you might imagine, death isn't an attractive look. I did see Harley naked once when she was modeling for Jervis to paint a nude portrait of her for her and the Joker's anniversary…"

"So there we are – you've seen another naked woman, and I'll see another naked man at the party," retorted Emilia. "Then we'll be even."

"I just…don't think I'll be very physically impressive compared to a male stripper," said Crane.

"Aw, you think I'm going to stop loving you if I see some bulging beefcake, is that it?" laughed Emilia.

"Well…I've always sort of thought you found me physically attractive because…I was your first man, and you didn't know what you were missing," he said, slowly. "Maybe if you find out that other men are a lot more handsome than me…"

"Jonathan, for the supposed Master of Fear, you really are afraid of dumb things," interrupted Emilia. "I love you, you insecure idiot. I love you because you're the most wonderful man I've ever met, and physically, you're perfect to me. No hunk with more muscle than brains is ever going to change that. So stop being silly. Honestly, for an intelligent man, you can be very stupid sometimes. I hope you don't pass that on to our children," she said, rubbing her belly.

"I doubt insecurity was something I was born with – it was cultivated over years of feeling rejected and unwanted," retorted Crane.

"I have never rejected you, Jonathan – that's the reason why we're expecting two children now," she retorted.

Crane laughed, and kissed her. "True," he said. "And maybe we can take advantage of this moment while Katrina is napping to…accept each other physically."

"That's the worst euphemism for sex I've ever heard," retorted Emilia, bluntly. "But you know, not even that ruins your attractiveness for me," she replied, kissing him with a grin.

They had just eased onto the bed when a knock came on their front door. "Now who on earth could that be?" asked Emilia, sitting up.

"I'll get it – you stay there, my angel," said Crane. He headed into the living room and opened the front door. "Harley, Joker, and…children," he said, glaring at the Joker twins as they raced into the room, screaming. "This really isn't a good time for a visit…"

"Yeah, I'm sorry for stopping by unannounced, but we were in the area," said Harley. "And I kinda had something big to ask you, and I didn't wanna do it over the phone. Do you think you can look after Arleen and J.J. while I'm at Ivy's party?"

"You mean…you want me to look after your two very rambunctious toddlers while also looking after my own baby daughter?" said Crane, slowly.

"I just don't know who else to ask," said Harley. "Red's hosting the party, Selina is gonna be there, Harvey's coin came up bad side, and Jervis is outta town – he's taken Alice to Disneyland."

"Kinda rude not to invite the rest of us, if you ask me," said Joker. "I love amusement parks. So much potential for fatal or near-fatal accidents."

"Anyway, Red will kill me if I'm not there, but I'm not about to leave my precious babies in the hands of strangers," said Harley.

"I thought Joker was looking after them," said Emilia, entering the room.

"Nah, he can't," said Harley, shaking her head. "Mr. J's found out one of the henchmen has been squealing to the cops, and Saturday's the evening Mr. J has arranged for him and the boys to let him know the game is up, and teach him to double cross him."

"And…that can't be rearranged?" asked Emilia, slowly.

"Not without a lotta string-pulling," said Joker, shaking his head. "We've been working for weeks to lure him into a false sense of security, and we got everything set up to spring the trap on Saturday night. We might not get another chance to catch him off guard, and there's no point in beating someone to death if you can't see the look of surprise on their face first. That's the icing on the brutal revenge cake."

Emilia nodded slowly. "Well, I suppose Jonathan can look after them, if their father won't step up to the plate for once."

"Darling…" began Crane, but Joker suddenly frowned.

"Wait, what's that supposed to mean?" he asked.

"I just think it's a little sad," sighed Emilia. "You supposedly love your children, and yet you can't take one night off from your work to prove that. It just seems a little self-centered and selfish to me. Or maybe you're just afraid you can't do it. In any case, I don't blame you for wanting Jonathan to take care of your children – he's an excellent father, who always puts his child's needs first. I can see why Harley wants him as a babysitter – at least he's self-sufficient and responsible, and she can enjoy the party without worrying the whole time about the children's father failing even the most basic part of parenting."

"Oh, you don't think I'm responsible, huh, toots?" demanded Joker, glaring at her. "And what about you, Harley?" he said, rounding on her. "Is this true? You'd rather have Johnny watch our kids than me?!"

"No, puddin', I just thought…" began Harley.

"Well, I'll show the both of you know-it-all dames!" interrupted Joker. "I'm responsible, and I can look after my own kids better than some straw-for-brains scarecrow could ever hope to! I'll show him who's the better father! Roc, change of plans," he said, pulling out his cell phone. "We can't ambush Sid in the Italian restaurant on Saturday…yeah, it _was_ a little cliché…" he said, heading out the door.

Harley stared after him, and then turned back to Emilia. "Wow, that was…amazing!" she stammered.

"Just a little reverse psychology, Harley," said Emilia, shrugging. "You were a psychiatrist – you know how powerful that can be. I'm surprised you didn't think to try it yourself."

"Yeah, well…must be the stress or something!" laughed Harley. "C'mon, kiddies," she said, ushering them out the door. Her smile fell into a frown the moment the door shut – she had honestly been a little relieved when Mr. J said he was busy Saturday night. But now it was just him, looking after their children, alone. Ivy might be the one growing older at the party, but Harley was pretty sure her hair was going to be turning gray.


	3. Chapter 3

"Ok, they've been fed and bathed, and they need to be in bed by nine o'clock," said Harley Quinn, emerging from the bathroom with her children dressed in their pajamas. "You can tell them a story if you want, but they need to be physically in bed by nine. Did you hear that, puddin'?"

"Yeah, yeah, nine o'clock," muttered Joker, who was seated at his desk drawing up plans for a new deathtrap for Batman.

"What's supposed to happen at nine o'clock?" asked Harley.

"Uh…dinner," said Joker, not looking up from his plans.

Harley picked up the twins and placed them down on the table in front of Joker, covering his plans. "Bedtime is nine o'clock," she repeated.

"Fine, yeah, whatever," said Joker. "Stop nagging, would ya?"

"I'm not nagging – I'm just trying to make sure everything goes smoothly tonight," retorted Harley. "The kiddies need their routine – I don't want them up all night and cranky tomorrow."

"Daddy drawing," said Arleen, pointing at the picture beneath her.

"J.J. draw too," said J.J., picking up one of the markers and stabbing lines onto the plan.

"Aw, that's a lovely whatever it's meant to be, J.J.," said Joker, picking up his son. "But this is Daddy's picture. Why don't you go draw on something else, like the wall?"

"Ok," said J.J., hurrying over to the wall. He was seized by Harley before he could reach it.

"Puddin'…" she began.

"Will you relax, kid?" demanded Joker, standing up and helping Arleen down off the table. "You sound like a more talkative version of Batman, with all your rules and regulations and routines. Believe me, I know what the kiddies need, and I can look after them. So stop the stressing, huh?" he said, kissing her forehead.

"I'm sorry, I just…I don't know what I'd do if something happened while I was away," said Harley, hugging J.J. and releasing him. He and his sister immediately started chasing each other around the room, screaming. "You and the kiddies are my whole world, and you know Batman is still out there, waiting for an opportunity to take them away from us," continued Harley, as she entered their bedroom.

"You think I can't handle the Bat?" snorted Joker, following her. "I think that last caper of mine says differently. Anyway, if I were the Bat, I'd be spending tonight observing Ivy's party – that's a very likely location for something to go horribly wrong, and I don't just mean the Plant Lady deciding to do karaoke."

"I don't think he'd dare crash Red's party – she was very specific about the whole women-only thing," said Harley, reaching for her dress. "If Batman appeared, her plants would devour him in a second."

"Or she would," retorted Joker. "Y'know, she is getting up there, and probably desperate. Maybe that's why it's a women-only thing, so she doesn't get drunk and jump any of the guests. Women of a certain age can be very insatiable, or so I'm told. Or women of any age, judging by you."

"Gee, I hope she isn't too lonely," sighed Harley, sitting down to do her hair and makeup. "It must be hard to see other women like me and Emilia settling down with a happy family, and for her to still be single and alone. I wish she'd find a nice man – I mean, how hard can that actually be?"

"I dunno – I've never met a nice man," said Joker, shrugging. "It's one of the few things me and Pammie agree on – most people are awful. I mean, when the person this town embraces as a hero is a violent psychopath in a Halloween costume who beats up the mentally ill, it's kinda a poor reflection on society in general, wouldn't you say? The fact that he's considered some kinda ideal man is very disturbing."

"Well, people in this town are crazy," said Harley. "But that doesn't mean everyone is."

"Believe me, crazy is the only kinda man who would ever want Pammie," said Joker. "And not fun crazy."

"I wish she and Harvey could work things out," sighed Harley. "They make a cute couple."

"He can do better," retorted Joker. "And he's a deformed freak with bipolar issues, so that's how undesirable Pammie is. Anyway, she always has her plants. And she can talk to them, and…interact with them, just like she can with men. So maybe it's for the best that she's alone, where she can be happy with her freaky relationship with them."

"Maybe," sighed Harley, putting the finishing touches on her makeup. She stood up, and turned to face the Joker. "How do I look?" she asked. "Mr. J?" she said, realizing that he had gone. She headed back into the living room, where the Joker had returned to his plans, and Arleen and J.J. were drawing on the wall.

"Mr. J!" she snapped.

"You look gorgeous, pooh," said Joker, not looking up from his drawing.

"The kiddies aren't allowed to draw on the wall!" shrieked Harley, pulling them away. "See, this is what I'm talking about! You can't supervise them for five minutes!"

"Pumpkin pie, it's washable marker," said Joker, holding up his. "It wipes clean off. See?" he said, heading over to the wall and wiping it with his handkerchief. "No harm done. You have to trust me, huh?"

"I do trust you, puddin'," said Harley. "I just…"

"I know, you worry too much," he said. "And you need to stop that. You'll live longer. Now, aren't you just the prettiest picture?" he said, holding open his arms to her. She rushed into them, and he hugged her tightly. "You have a wonderful time at Pammie's party, and don't worry about a thing. Daddy J's taken good care of you all these years – why wouldn't he take good care of his kiddies too?"

"Well, when you put it like that," said Harley, smiling up at him. She kissed him. "I'll try not to worry. You kids be good for Daddy now," she said, kneeling down to hug and kiss Arleen and J.J. "Mommy will be home late."

"Have fun, Mommy!" said Arleen, kissing her.

"Say hi to Auntie Ivy!" said J.J., doing the same.

"I will, J.J.," said Harley, holding them both tightly and shutting her eyes. She didn't want to feel like this might be the last time she'd ever see them, but her stomach was tight with worry. She tried to repress it as she let go of them and looked up at the Joker.

"Call me if there's the slightest problem," she said. "I'll have my phone with me all night, and I'll come straight home."

"I told you, sweets, don't worry," he said, kissing her firmly. "Just have a good time, and don't drink too much. I don't want you coming home and pawing me when I'm trying to sleep."

She beamed, kissed him again, and then headed for the door. "Bye bye, angels!" she called. "Mommy loves you!"

"Bye bye, Mommy!" called the twins, standing by the door with Joker and waving her off.

Joker watched as the car disappeared into the night, and then picked up a radio. "Ok, Roc, coast is clear – bring 'em in!" he said.

A few moments later, the front door opened, and Rocco, the Joker's longest and most loyal henchmen, entered the room carrying a slim, scrawny man, tied and gagged. He was accompanied by several other henchmen, who carried bats, spikes, brass knuckles, and various torture implements.

Rocco put down the sobbing, struggling prisoner on the floor, and started in shock when he noticed the twins, who had returned to coloring on the wall.

"Uh…boss…why are the kids here?" he asked, slowly.

"Because Harley's busy, so they're spending the evening with Daddy," said Joker, heading into his study and returning with several weapons of his own.

"But…boss…we're gonna interrogate, torture, and brutally murder a snitch…" said Rocco, slowly.

"Well, obviously they're too young to help with that, Roc!" laughed Joker. "I mean, they're good with weapons, but they're not good enough to practice on a living person! What silly ideas you have for child-appropriate activities!"

"No, boss, I mean…they probably shouldn't be here…" began Rocco.

"Why, you think they'll get in the way?" asked Joker. "Trust me, they just need the right distraction and they can play happily and quietly for hours. And I've bought them some new toys especially for the occasion!" he said, holding up a huge trunk. "Kiddies, Daddy's got a surprise for you!" he said, taking it over to them and opening it.

"Dollies!" cried Arleen, grabbing a baby doll.

"Tools!" cried J.J., taking out a plastic tool set.

"That's right – now you have a nice play with those," said Joker, patting their heads. "Daddy has to go shank a squealer now."

"What's shank?" asked J.J., looking at him in confusion.

"Watch and see!" chuckled Joker, kissing him. "Now, Siddie boy," he said, rounding on the prisoner and smiling. "A little birdie told me you've been speaking to the cops."

The prisoner made violent noises of protest, and Rocco removed his gag. "Please, boss, I swear I haven't!" Sid gasped. "I would never do that!"

"You calling Pengers a liar?" demanded Joker. "He had a senior cop as a guest at the Iceberg Lounge a few weeks ago, who, under alcoholic persuasion, said they'd been getting tips from you. I don't see any reason why the cop or the Penguin would lie, do you?"

"Boss, it's not like that…it was just one time!" sobbed Sid. "I would never…never do it again! You know me, I'm loyal…"

"No, what you are is two-faced," interrupted Joker. "You'd fit right in with Harvey's crew, and you probably should have joined him instead of me. He sometimes doesn't kill traitors, depending on the coin. But I always do...eventually. You know me, Sid, I'm a fun guy. And before I do any unpleasant business, I always have a little fun."

"Boss…boss, no…no, please! Boss!" screamed Sid, as the Joker approached him, holding up a spoon.

Arleen and J.J. watched the proceedings calmly for a few minutes, captivated by the screaming. "Spoon in eye!" exclaimed Arleen suddenly, grabbing a plastic spoon and trying to stab it into her doll's eye.

"I shank, just like Daddy!" exclaimed J.J., grabbing a knife from the tool kit and stabbing it into his sister's doll.

"Aw, look at that, Roc!" said Joker, pausing in his torture to turn and smile at his kids. "They're torturing their dolls just like we're torturing Sid! They're imitating acts of violence – I'm so proud!"

"Yeah, it's…nice when your kids look up to you," agreed Rocco, slowly.

"Make blood go sploosh, Daddy!" cried Arleen, clapping her hands.

"Anything my princess wants," cooed Joker, grabbing a knife. A fountain of blood sprayed out, and Arleen and J.J. cheered and applauded over the screams.

After a few minutes, however, they got bored of the screaming and torturing, and looked around for something else to do. Joker and the gang were all distracted by the task at hand, and didn't notice Arleen and J.J. heading toward the front door. "Where Bug and Roo?" asked Arleen.

"Ouside," said J.J., pointing.

"We see?" asked Arleen, hopefully.

J.J. nodded, and carefully lifted up the flap in the door that had been specially installed for the Joker and Harley's pet hyenas, Bud and Lou, to enter and exit the house at will. Both twins crawled out of it into the darkness.

"Where Bug and Roo?" repeated Arleen.

"Aseep," said J.J., putting a finger to his mouth as he pointed at the doghouse in the front yard, where both hyenas were snoozing.

"Wha da?" asked Arleen, pointing to some neon signs flashing down the street.

"Dunno," said J.J.

"We see?" repeated Arleen.

Her brother nodded, and they both headed down the road, and out into the bright lights and big city of Gotham.


	4. Chapter 4

"Harley! I'm so glad you could make it!" said Poison Ivy, throwing open the door and hugging her best friend tightly.

"Yeah, well, I almost didn't," agreed Harley. "I left the kiddies with Mr. J and the moment I drove off, I was tempted to turn right back around."

"But you didn't," said Ivy, nodding as she beckoned her inside. "So good for you. Just because you're a mother doesn't mean you can't kick back and have some fun on your own once in a while."

"If I can remember how to have fun in between worrying, I will," said Harley. "Uh…happy birthday," she said, handing her a gift.

"Oh…a potted plant…how…original," said Ivy, slowly. "Thanks, Harley…"

"There's a card attached," said Harley. Ivy opened the envelope, and pulled out a card with a necklace inside. "It's a friendship necklace," explained Harley. "You have one half, and I have the other, so that means we're friends for life."

"Oh yeah…those things people did in elementary school," said Ivy. "That's…sweet. 'To my bestest friend Red, who's been there through all the good times and the bad,'" she said, reading the card. "'Happy not-over-the-hill party. Lova ya, Harley.' Thanks, Harley," she said, hugging her.

"Ain't you gonna wear the necklace?" asked Harley.

"Sure, yeah," said Ivy, taking the piece of plastic and putting it around her neck.

"See it's a green leaf, because you like plants and all, and mine's a diamond…" explained Harley.

"I get it, Harl," interrupted Ivy. "Come have a drink – Selina's already here."

"I must be imagining things – you don't see the clown girl around anymore without her clown brood attached to her," commented Selina Kyle, as Harley entered the room. "How did you ditch the kids, Harley?"

"Mr. J's looking after them tonight," said Harley, lightly.

"Wow. I'd expect them to be dead when you get back," said Selina, sipping her drink.

"I have the utmost confidence in him, Selina," retorted Harley. "He's a good Daddy."

"If you say so," sighed Selina. "So you're still clinically insane, huh?"

"Yep," said Harley, proudly. "What about you, Selina? Still into the whole cat burglary thing? Why change a good gimmick, am I right?"

"Actually, I'm semi-retired these days," said Selina. "I've stolen enough to be pretty much set for life, and I'm looking into purchasing some real estate in Monte Carlo with my toy boy, Kyle."

"You know if you got married to him, and he decided to take your name, he'd be Kyle Kyle?" said Harley. "That's almost worth doing just for that."

"Yeah, I'm not really the marrying type," said Selina, shrugging. "Or the breeding type, but as long as you're happy, Harley. Still, you must feel hugely relieved to get away from the kids for one night."

"You'd think so," said Harley, nodding. "But honestly, I miss them a lot."

"Have a drink and get your mind off them," said Ivy, handing her a margarita.

"Who else are we expecting?" asked Selina.

"Emilia Crane, Johnny's wife," said Ivy. "And that's it."

"There's only four of us and you call this a party?" asked Selina, raising an eyebrow. "This is basically just our usual girly evenings, plus one."

"I told Harley, I appear to have alienated a lot of my other female friends," said Ivy. "Anyway, we can have a good party with just four – it's the activities that count, and believe me, I've got some great things planned for tonight."

"If it's a male stripper, it's a little cliché," said Selina.

"It's better than that," retorted Ivy.

"Was it going to be that until I just said it was a little cliché?" asked Selina.

"No. Don't flatter yourself that I have even the slightest interest in your opinion of my entertainment," snapped Ivy.

"Y'know, of the two of us, I'm meant to be the catty one," retorted Selina. "But it's no surprise how you lost your other female friends."

"That's what Emilia and I said," said Harley, nodding.

"It's not a gender thing – I'm dismissive of all humans, because I'm so much better than the rest of you," retorted Ivy.

"Yeah, this is gonna be a fun party," sighed Harley, as Ivy went to go answer the knock at the door. Harley glanced at her phone, wondering if she should check in on Mr. J. But she reassured herself that she was just being paranoid, and put it back in her bag.

"Emilia's here," said Ivy, leading her inside. "Of course you know Harley, and this is Selina Kyle, also known as Catwoman."

"Hello, I don't believe we've met before," said Emilia, smiling and holding out her hand. "I'm Emilia Crane, Jonathan's wife."

"Nice to meet you," said Selina, shaking her hand. "Can I get you a drink?"

"Something non-alcoholic, thank you," said Emilia. "I'm pregnant."

"Oh good, another breeder," said Selina, sarcastically, as she poured Emilia some juice. "So tell me, you and Johnny – that was a pity thing, right?" she asked, handing her the glass. "I mean, you married him because you felt sorry for him, I assume."

"Um…no," said Emilia, slowly. "I love my husband very much."

"Is it rude to ask why?" asked Selina, sipping her drink.

"Selina, don't be catty," snapped Ivy. "Women are allowed to have different tastes in men and everything else. That's what feminism is all about - choice."

"Yeah, but it's important to make the right choice," agreed Selina. "You can't call Harley a feminist, for instance, because she's made terrible, terrible choices."

"I think you're just jealous that your on-again, off-again relationship with Batman never worked out," retorted Harley. "Talk about your terrible choices. There's a man who's incapable of commitment, not that you're particularly good at that either."

"If by commitment, you mean shackling yourself to an abusive monster forever the way you have, by being stuck with his children, then yes, I guess I'm happily uncommitted," replied Selina.

"Is this what you…normally do at these get-togethers?" asked Emilia, slowly. "Just snipe at and insult each other?"

"Usually," agreed Ivy. "Fun, huh?"

"Uh…yes," said Emilia. "I suppose…"

"Anyway, you probably shouldn't have settled for Crane," continued Selina. "You're a nice-looking girl – you probably could have done a lot better. I can't imagine he has any hidden depths, or anything that might attract a woman to him really."

"Well, he…makes me very happy," said Emilia. "I suppose that's all the hidden depths he needs, really."

"Right," said Selina, sarcastically. "We should play a game of 'Never Have I Ever' later, Ivy. Get some dirt on Scarecrow."

"I'm not doing that again after it went horribly wrong with Harley," said Ivy. "There are things I heard about her and J that still give me nightmares. Anyway, my entertainment is better than some silly drinking game."

"No drinking game, no stripper – this had better be damn good," snapped Selina.

"It is," said Ivy, confidently. "And now that we're all here, I can show you. If you ladies would follow me into the dining room, please," she said, opening a door. "We can get this party started."

Harley glanced at her phone again before following Ivy, but in the absence of a missed call or message, she had to assume everything was fine at home.

She entered the dining room to see a long table, with four empty chairs, and several others, which contained various men tied and gagged in them. "I thought this party was women only," said Harley. "Who the heck are these guys?"

"My exes," said Ivy. "And for our entertainment portion of this evening, we're going to brutally murder them. Any way you like – I've got some weapons, poison, plant-related toxins, killer plants, whatever takes your fancy," she said, gesturing to a pile in the corner.

"This is…the adult entertainment?" asked Emilia, slowly.

"Well, it's not appropriate for children, is it?" retorted Ivy.

"Why would it be fun for us to kill your ex-boyfriends?" asked Harley.

"Because killing worthless sacks of meat is always fun, Harley," retorted Ivy.

"You know I'm not big on killing, right?" asked Selina.

"I thought that was only when you were dating Batman," said Ivy. "Time to get over that hangup, Selina. There's nothing more fun, and nothing I enjoy more, than killing men, so this is my birthday present to myself. And just because I like you ladies, I'm letting you in on the fun too."

The three other women shared looks. "Gee, Red, it's a lovely thought…" began Harley.

"But?" prompted Ivy.

"But…I don't think any of us are…that comfortable with it," said Harley, slowly. "Emilia's not even a supervillain, so she's never killed anyone. Selina just told you it's not her bag, and as for me…well, I only really enjoy killing people for Mr. J. These guys ain't done anything to Mr. J, as far as I know, anyway."

"No, they've done something to _me_ ," snapped Ivy. "They've played with my heart and then thrown it away. They've used me and abused me, as all men do. And now they have to pay."

"These can't be all your exes," commented Selina, looking around. "I can't believe you haven't dated more men than this. Where's Harvey? And Lex Luthor?"

"They weren't worth my time to kidnap," snapped Ivy.

"By not worth your time to kidnap, you mean they had a heckuva lotta security surrounding them, right?" asked Harley.

"I might mean that," conceded Ivy.

"You know, I think I've dated some of these guys too," said Selina, studying them carefully. "That one definitely looks familiar," she said, pointing. "What's his name?"

"I don't remember the names of worthless meatsacks," snapped Ivy.

"So why did you date them in the first place if you hate them so much?" asked Harley.

"I hate them now, after the way they treated me," retorted Ivy. "I know you can't understand this concept, Harley, but when a guy treats you like crap, you're allowed to stop loving them and start actively hating them, and in my case, kill them. You should try it sometime."

"Would you think it terribly rude if I declined to participate in the entertainment?" asked Emilia. "I don't mean to be impolite, but I'm honestly not comfortable with murdering people."

"Yeah, you should totally cancel this and let me just call a male stripper," agreed Selina. "I mean, it might be cliché, but at least it would be real entertainment, not your weird, psychotic revenge fantasy."

"I don't really feel comfortable killing anyone without my hammer," said Harley, nodding. "That's my weapon of choice, and you don't have that, so…"

"Look, are you people gonna help me celebrate my birthday or not?" demanded Ivy. "It's my party, and they'll die if I want them to! Right after cake!" she said, sitting down in front of a cake and slicing it. "It's coconut, made entirely from coconuts which had dropped to the ground already, so it's not murder in any way. Who wants some?"

Harley sighed, and glanced at her phone again. Every instinct in her was itching to make up a story that the Joker had texted her about an emergency at home as a way to escape from this increasingly awkward and disturbing situation. But she knew if she, Selina, and Emilia were going to change Ivy's mind about this, they had to stick together, and she felt bad about abandoning them with Ivy, who was clearly even more unstable than usual. So she forced a smile and raised her hand. "I'll have a slice, Red."

Besides, thought Harley, taking her slice of cake, knowing her luck, if she excused herself with the whole emergency at home lie, there would be an actual emergency at home when she got there. Better not risk it.


	5. Chapter 5

"All right, who bet he would last forty-five minutes?" asked Joker, wiping the snitch's blood from his eyes as he checked a handwritten list. "I know my bet was considerably less than that – ten minutes, but you never can tell how desperately people cling on to life."

"I think that was my bet, boss," said Rocco, proudly, as he gathered up the various torture implements and took them into the kitchen to wash them.

"Sure was!" said Joker, smiling. "Everyone, stop what you're doing and give Roc a big hand! And his cash – that's a good two-hundred bucks you've earned tonight."

Two of the henchmen who were untying and removing the snitch's body put it down and applauded, and then reached into their wallets to hand Rocco some money.

"I don't know about you boys, but I need a drink," continued Joker, heading into the kitchen. "Forty-five minutes of torture, as fun as it is, certainly does wear a body out. And not just the body being tortured!" he chuckled, opening up the refrigerator. "Who wants a beer?"

Everyone answered in the affirmative. "And I know my little kiddy winks are a little young for beer, but maybe they'd like a chocolate milk or something," said Joker, gathering up several bottles of beer. "Kiddies? Chocolate milk or grape soda?" he called.

There was no response from the living room. "Kiddies?" repeated Joker. "Geez, they couldn't have slept through that, the way Sid was screaming," he said, frowning. "Kiddies, it's rude not to answer a question, as you probably learned from Sid's interrogation…"

He trailed off as he re-entered the living room to see the children's toys abandoned, and them missing.

"Roc?" called Joker. "You seen the kids?"

"No, boss," said Rocco, rushing into the room. "Maybe they went to bed?"

"I don't think they'd do that without me tucking 'em in and getting their story," said Joker. "Boys, change of plans," he said, dropping the beer suddenly. "You'll get your drink after we search the hideout from top to bottom and find out where the kiddies are. They're probably just playing a game of hide and seek and didn't tell me!" he chuckled. But it was a nervous chuckle, trying to stave off an inward panic.

The inward panic only grew as he and his henchmen turned the hideout upside down, without finding any trace of the children. "They gotta be here – they can't have got out…" muttered Joker, searching under their beds. He found one of the hyenas' old chew toys, and his heart suddenly sank. "Oh no," he whispered. "They _coulda_ got out."

He raced to the front door and threw it open. "Bud! Lou! Where are the kiddies?" he demanded.

The hyenas yawned, staring sleepily up at him. "You were asleep?!" roared Joker. "What the hell kinda guard dogs are you?!"

"Boss, look," said Rocco, pointing. There were small footprints in the mud by the hyenas' hut, footprints that continued out onto the sidewalk and down the street.

Joker raced after the footprints, shouting, "Leenie?! J.J.?! Where are you?!"

The muddy footprints gradually faded away, leaving Joker standing in one of the rougher areas of Gotham City with no clue as to where the twins had gone.

"Ok. Ok, don't panic," he muttered to himself. "They're just…temporarily misplaced, and I'll find 'em. Easy enough to do – I know this city better than anyone, except…"

He trailed off again, his eyes widening in horror. "Rocco!" he shouted, racing back to the hideout. "They're lost, and we gotta find 'em before the Bat does, or he'll take 'em away forever!"

"We'll split up," said Rocco, gesturing to himself and the other henchmen. "All take a different area. They got little legs – they can't have gone too far."

"You'd think not, but they also have boundless energy," retorted Joker. "I blame their mother. And these useless mutts for losing 'em in the first place!" he snapped, glaring at Bud and Lou, who had gone back to sleep. Then an idea struck him, and he snapped his fingers and raced inside to grab the most recent toy the twins had been playing with.

"Here you go, boys, track 'em!" he exclaimed, shoving the doll under Bud and Lou's noses.

They yawned again, and just stared at him. "Track them!" repeated Joker. "Sniff the toy, and follow the scent to lead us to them!"

"Uh…boss…I don't think hyenas can track like dogs," said Rocco, slowly. "They're kinda a different species, so…"

"Useless mutts!" repeated Joker. "Can't guard, can't track, I don't know why the hell we keep you around!" he shouted, throwing the doll at them. The hyenas stretched and lay back down, as Bud chewed idly on the doll, and Lou raised a leg to scratch his ear.

"Ok, what this situation requires is grace under pressure, and quick thinking," said Joker. "Fortunately, these are qualities I have cultivated during my dangerous lifestyle of fighting a vigilante nutcase every night. When Batman avoids one of my deathtraps and comes after me, I don't panic – I calmly and carefully analyze the situation, and come up with a backup plan which allows me to, if not emerge victorious, at least escape him. This is the same kinda situation, and if anyone has got the skills to handle this calmly and rationally, it's me."

"…sure, boss," said Rocco, inwardly thinking that calmly and rationally were never words anyone would use to describe the Joker. "We should probably call Harley and tell her what happened so she can help look for 'em too…"

Rocco had taken his phone out of his pocket, but it was immediately snatched by Joker, who smashed it violently on the ground and then began jumping on the pieces. "Nobody is calling Harley!" he roared. "Harley is never going to know this happened! I am going to get the kiddies back safe and sound, and we are all going to pretend they were safe with me all night!"

"But boss, what if something happens to them?" spoke up another henchman. "She'll never forgive you for not telling her, when she maybe could have helped find them. And the more people who are out there looking for 'em, the better. Maybe she could even get Poison Ivy to help…"

"You know what I hate more than anything else in the world?" interrupted Joker, quietly. "A bad attitude. A pessimistic outlook on life, like thinking we won't find the kiddies on our own, or that something will happen to them. That kinda thinking…it just infuriates me. I'm a happy guy normally, but Debbie downers like that…they just…they just…make my blood boil!"

Joker seized a knife, and suddenly started stabbing it repeatedly into the henchman who had spoken. "There's no reason to fear the worst, you idiot!" he shouted. "Everyone just needs to calm down and put on a happy face! Positivity is the name of the game! You negative naysayers are the reason this world is a hellhole, rather than the smiling, happy paradise it could be if we all were just a little more optimistic about things! Now cheer up, for God's sake! A smile wouldn't kill you, would it?!"

All the other henchmen watched their unfortunate companion fall to the ground with multiple stab wounds. "Ok, so let's get out there!" said Joker, turning to the remaining henchmen and beaming. "And remember, happy thoughts!"

Rocco was about to ask how he was supposed to contact the Joker if he found the kids, since his phone had been broken, but thought better of it, and hurried off with the rest of the henchmen. Once they were gone, Joker seized his own phone and started calling all the other Rogues he trusted, asking them to keep an eye out for the kids and threatening them under no circumstances to tell Harley that he had lost them, under pain of death.

He made these calls while he himself was relentless searching the streets for any sign of his missing children. He also kept a careful eye on the skies, feeling, for the first time in his life, fearful of seeing a dark shadow of a bat flit across the moon. As much as Joker enjoyed his little games with Batman, if the giant rodent thought of laying a hand on his kids, Joker would personally rip his pointy head off with his bare hands. Well, gloved hands, but the sentiment was the same.

…

Arleen and J.J. had discovered that the flashing neon sign which had attracted them belonged to a food stand – they couldn't read yet, of course, but they could see and smell the burgers and french fries sizzling on the grill.

"Hungry," commented Arleen at the smell.

J.J. nodded in agreement, and they approached the counter. It was several feet over their heads, but J.J. banging on the bottom of the metal cart caused the owner of the stand to pop his head out and look down.

"What do you kids want?" he snapped.

J.J. held up two fingers. "Burgers," he said.

The man laughed. "You got cash, kid?" he demanded.

J.J. stared at him in confusion, and then looked to his sister, who shrugged. "Cash," repeated the man. "Money. Moola. Bread."

"No bread, burgers!" snapped J.J. "Two!" he repeated, holding up his fingers.

"Look, kid, I dunno where your parents are, but in the real world, you need money to get stuff," snapped the man. "Capiche?"

"No capiche!" repeated J.J. "Two burgers!"

"Just beat it, kid," retorted the man. "I got real paying customers to serve."

Arleen and J.J.'s faces gradually fell into a frown. And like their parents, a frown in this particular family meant that things were about to get very bad very quickly.

Even in such a heartless, uncaring city as Gotham, a few people stopped to investigate when they heard the loud sound of a child wailing. One of these onlookers headed over to the food stand to see Arleen sobbing at the top of her lungs.

"Hey, sweetie, are you ok?" he asked. "What are you doing out alone so late at night? Are you lost?"

He was suddenly shoved hard in the back by J.J., which sent him flying into the food stand. "Hey, watch it, pal!" shouted the vendor.

"You watch it!" retorted the man. "I got your greasy food all over my new suit! You better buy me another one!"

"Like hell am I gonna pay for your own clumsiness!" snapped the vendor.

"I guess I'm gonna have to mess up some property of yours, then!" shouted the man, grabbing the menu sign and ripping it down.

"You want a piece of me, pal?" shouted the vendor, stepping out of the cart and rolling up his sleeves.

While the two men engaged in a fist fight, J.J. gave Arleen a boost, and she pulled herself up onto the counter, helping herself to two burgers and some french fries. "Ketchup!" reminded J.J.

Arleen nodded, swiping the bottle. Then she and her brother headed off down the street, happily munching on the food, and leaving the crowd and the police to deal with the escalating fight.


	6. Chapter 6

"I just don't see how they can claim that it's their character," said Crane, speaking to Jervis Tetch on the telephone. "They might own a copyright on a particular interpretation, but your persona and therefore costume is based on the original novel, which they have nothing at all to do with."

"My sentiments exactly," replied Tetch. "And worse, the upstart at the gate refused to let me in, saying, and I quote, 'We don't allow adults in costumes inside the park.' I explained to him that it wasn't a costume, just my formal wear, which had been painstakingly tailored to exactly match the illustrations of the Mad Hatter in Carroll's original text by Sir John Tenniel. But the jobsworth at the gate was very insistent about no costumes for adults, which I told him was age discrimination, since Alice was allowed to wear her Alice dress. Then he changed his tact and insisted that the Mad Hatter character belonged to them, which made it doubly not allowed for me to dress up as him as I was breaking copyright law."

"So what did you do?" asked Crane, shifting a sleeping Katrina in his arms.

"Well, what else could I do? I mind controlled him," retorted Tetch. "In fact, I mind controlled the whole staff into saying the park was closed for a private party, and then Alice and I had free reign of the entire place. It's much more fun without the crowds and the lines and busybodies claiming you're wearing a costume of a copyrighted character. Honestly, as if a heartless conglomerate like that should own a character that has inspired countless people's imaginations – you think they'd be flattered he means so much to people, not trying to control who can and can't dress up as him. Haven't they ever heard that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery? I think copyright laws are evil of the highest order, trying to control imagination."

"I agree. I was once contacted by the very same company over my Scarecrow costume," said Crane. "It was a cease and desist letter insisting that I make changes to my costume and persona so that it couldn't be associated with the popular character from _The Wizard of Oz_ , to which they own the copyright. They were afraid my image would tarnish the company's reputation with my supervillain antics. I had to fear gas the board to make them change their minds. I suggest you do the same."

"Perhaps when we get home," agreed Tetch. "We're going on a tour of the Warner Brothers Studio tomorrow which should be very enlightening."

"Oh dear. I'd be wary of copyright law scandals there, too," said Crane, frowning. "Those people have been trying to establish a copyright on Batman merchandise for years. If you arrived dressed up as one of his antagonists, I imagine the reaction will be similar."

"Then I suppose I'll have to mind control them too," sighed Tetch.

"While you're at it, do you think you could mind control them into making a Batman movie with us in it?" asked Crane. "They've made several with Joker, and I just think we deserve the spotlight more. We have deeply tragic and sympathetic backstories, which can provide a complex, human angle, while he's just some insane clown. Honestly, how many interesting stories can there be about him?"

Crane's phone beeped suddenly. "Hang on, there's a call waiting, it might be Emilia," he said. "Hello?"

"Johnny, hi!" said Joker's voice. "How's the babysitting going?"

"Fine, Katrina's sleeping soundly," said Crane. "How is yours going?"

"Yeah, yeah, fine, good," said Joker. "Only…uh…I've kinda…temporarily misplaced the kiddies."

"You've lost the children?" demanded Crane.

"No, temporarily misplaced them," repeated Joker. "Anyway, they're out somewhere in the streets of Gotham, and I'm looking for 'em, but multiple pairs of eyes are better than one, so if you happen to spot 'em…"

"Your children are lost on the streets of Gotham?" demanded Crane. "Does Harley know?"

"No, and nobody's gonna tell her, or I'm ripping their faces off!" snapped Joker. "Just keep an eye out, would ya?"

"Joker, she needs to know…" began Crane.

"No, she does not!" interrupted Joker. "You don't know what she's like when she's angry! She'd be panicking and screaming and hysterical and I don't need to be dealing with that kinda headache on top of misplacing the kids!"

"She's going to kill you if she finds out," said Crane.

"Which is why she won't find out, moron!" snapped Joker. "Now hold on, I got another call," he said, pressing a button on his phone. "Hello?"

"Boss, it's Rocco," said a voice.

"Roc…didn't I smash your phone?" asked Joker, slowly.

"Yeah, I stole one off a guy here," said Rocco. "Pretty easy in the chaos – there was some kinda fistfight over a food stand, and as usual in this town, it turned into a riot. The cops are here, and the vendor is saying it was started by a couple of kids wanting burgers."

"That'll be Leenie and J.J. – they love burgers," said Joker. "And they're not afraid of starting riots to get 'em."

"Well, they're not here now, and nobody seems to know where they've gone," said Rocco. "But I'm hunting around here for clues if you wanna join…"

"I'll be right there," said Joker. He hung up, and then instantly called Rocco back. "Where is there?" he demanded.

Rocco gave him an address, and Joker hung up again, and then called Crane back. "Yeah, Johnny, I got a lead on the kiddies, so I have to go," he said. "Remember, not a word to Harley, or you're dead meat!"

He hung up, and Crane sighed, returning to his call with Tetch. "That was the insane clown himself," he said. "He's lost his children out on the streets of Gotham, and he told me not to tell Harley, who's at this party with Emilia. And now I'm in a bit of a quandary, because Harley definitely needs to know, but he's threatened to rip my face off if I tell her."

"That is a quandary," agreed Tetch. "But I do think you're honor bound to do the right thing, aren't you? Despite the great personal cost."

"Yes," sighed Crane. "Anyway, once Harley finds out, she'll probably kill him long before he can kill me."

"I'll leave you to it then – see you when we get home," said Tetch.

"If I'm still alive, yes," agreed Crane. "Goodbye, Jervis."

He hung up the phone, sighed heavily, and then called Harley.

"Johnny?" said Harley, answering. "Did you mean to call your wife?"

"No, I meant to call you," said Crane. "How's the party?"

"Yeah, it's…interesting," said Harley, slowly. "A bit differently…adult than how I thought it would be. No stripper, for one thing."

"Well, that is a relief," said Crane. "Now Harley, I'm afraid I have something…rather alarming to tell you."

"What is it?" asked Harley.

"Well…the Joker just called and he's…in his own words…temporarily misplaced the children on the streets of Gotham," said Crane, slowly.

There was silence on the other end. "Harley?" prompted Crane. "Did you hear that?"

He was suddenly deafened, holding the phone at arm's length, as Harley screamed, "HE DID WHAT?!"

Katrina instantly awakened at the shouting, and began sobbing. "Please calm down, both of you…" began Crane.

"I'm gonna kill him!" roared Harley. "He's a dead clown! But first I'm gonna find my precious babies! Thanks for letting me know, Johnny, bye," she said, hanging up the phone.

"Yes…no problem," stammered Crane, trying to comfort a sobbing and screaming Katrina. "This is what I get for doing the right thing," he muttered.

"Harley, what's all the shouting about?" asked Ivy, as Harley stood up, racing toward the door.

"Mr. J's lost the kiddies!" snapped Harley. "They're on the streets of Gotham somewhere, and I gotta find 'em before the Bat does!"

"Told you they'd probably be dead when you get back," said Selina.

"Yeah, as much as I'm pleased that J's screwed up, like we all knew he would, I'm worried about the children," said Ivy. "This party is temporarily on hold," she said, standing up. "We're all heading out to look for them."

"Gee, thanks, Red," said Harley, sincerely. "You're a real friend."

"Are we just going to leave these men tied up here?" asked Emilia.

"Yeah, there's no time to lose," said Ivy. "And we can still have the entertainment when we get back. Only I think we're gonna be adding another man to the killing roster, aren't we, Harley?" she asked, smiling at Harley.

"Don't even think about it, Red," snapped Harley, storming out of the house. "I'm the one who's gonna be killing Mr. J with my bare hands."

Ivy shrugged. "Watching you kill him will still be a good birthday present," she said, smiling. "As long as he's dead. This really is the best birthday ever," she sighed.


	7. Chapter 7

"Good food," said Arleen, shoving the last of her burger into her mouth.

"Yes," agreed J.J., who was covering the last of the french fries with ketchup.

Arleen finished chewing, and then suddenly yawned and stretched. "Tired," she said, rubbing her eyes.

"Bedtime," agreed J.J.

"J.J., where home?" asked Arleen, looking around the unfamiliar streets.

"Dunno," said J.J., who looked equally confused.

"Where Daddy?" asked Arleen.

"Dunno," repeated J.J.

"Where Mommy?" asked Arleen.

"Auntie Ivy," said J.J.

"Where Auntie Ivy?" asked Arleen.

"Dunno," repeated J.J.

They were silent for a few more seconds. "I wanna go home," said Arleen.

"Me too," said J.J.

"How we get home?" asked Arleen.

J.J. thought hard. "Look!" he said, pointing to the ground. "Ketchup!"

Arleen looked down to see that they had dropped a trail of ketchup globs down the sidewalk. She looked from it to J.J., puzzled.

"We follow," said J.J., gesturing. "Home."

Arleen shrugged, and followed her brother back the way they had come. They had almost returned to the area with the food cart, when they were spotted by one of the policemen handling the aftermath of the riot.

"Woah there, kiddies," he said, holding out a hand to stop them. "What are you doing out all alone?"

"We go home," said J.J.

"Uh huh. And where's home?" asked the officer.

"Follow ketchup," said J.J., pointing. "Find home."

The officer stared at him. "You kids wouldn't be lost, would you?" he asked.

"What lost?" asked Arleen.

"Well, y'know, when you can't find your home, or your parents," said the officer.

"We dunno where Mommy and Daddy," agreed J.J., nodding.

"Ok, you kids should follow me," said the officer. "I'll help you find your Mommy and Daddy and get home."

Arleen and J.J. shared a look, and then shrugged. "Ok," said J.J., as he and his sister followed the officer into a police car. "Our house have Bug and Roo in front," he explained, as he climbed in the back.

"And clown face," agreed Arleen, nodding.

"Right," said the officer, having no idea what any of that meant. He raised his radio to his lips. "This is Officer Monaghan, returning to station – found some lost kids wandering the street. Taking 'em in to GCPD to hopefully find their parents. Any missing kids reported tonight?"

"Not yet," said the woman on the other end. "What are their ages and names?"

"They look about two," said the officer. "Hey, kids, what are your names?" he asked, turning to them.

"Weenie and J.J.," said J.J., gesturing.

"The boy's called J.J. – can't understand the name of the girl," said the officer.

"Weenie," repeated Arleen. "Arween."

"That doesn't sound familiar – bring 'em in and we'll do our best to locate the parents," said the woman.

Arleen and J.J. had, surprisingly, never been in the back of a police car, or to the police station. In fact, they had been shielded from the very concept of police, so this all seemed like a strange, mysterious adventure to them. They looked around in wonder at the station, filled with men and women in matching uniforms, and people in cells lining the walls.

"Unky Penguin!" cried Arleen, pointing at a familiar figure behind bars.

"Hi, Unky Penguin!" called J.J., waving.

Oswald Cobblepot looked up in horror at them. "What are you…children doing here?" he demanded.

"You know these kids?" asked the officer who had brought them in.

"Uh…no," stammered Penguin. "They're completely…unfamiliar to me. They must recognize me from…uh…my popular restaurant, which of course serves many, many families from all walks of life…"

"And which hasn't paid taxes in the last five years," interrupted Commissioner Gordon, entering the room with a file. "Care to explain that, Oswald?"

"That must be a record-keeping error on my accountant's part," said Penguin. "If you let me out, I'll look into it at once…"

"If we let you out, you'll be on the next flight to Barbados," retorted Gordon. "You're staying behind bars until this is settled. Who's this?" he asked, looking down at the children.

"Lost kids – found 'em wandering the streets," said the officer. "Hope we can find their parents soon."

"You know, if you let me out, I could take them to my restaurant, which they're obviously familiar with, since they're familiar with me, and see if any of my customers come in looking for them…" began Penguin.

"You're not getting out, Cobblepot," snapped Gordon.

"Weenie, look!" exclaimed J.J., pointing to one of the wanted posters and beaming as he recognized a familiar, smiling face.

"Daddy!" exclaimed Arleen.

Gordon and the officer stared at them, while Penguin cringed. "Daddy?" repeated the officer, aghast.

"Daddy," repeated Arleen, racing over to Joker's poster and kissing it.

"Take us to Daddy?" asked J.J., pointing at the poster and smiling.

Gordon and the officer shared a look. "You know, they're probably just insane," commented Penguin. "Thinking they know all these Gotham criminals – they probably just watch too much TV or something. You know there are fascinating studies on the damaging effects of violent cartoons on young minds – that's probably what's happened to these two unfortunates…"

"What are the names of the Joker's kids?" interrupted Gordon.

"Uh…Arleen and J.J.," said one of the officers on a nearby computer. "Age two."

"That us!" said J.J., happily. "Arween and J.J."

"Two years old," repeated Arleen, nodding.

"Oh…my God…" stammered the officer who had found them, looking horrified. "If...the Joker finds out we've got 'em...he's gonna kill us!"

"Monaghan, watch them, and don't take your eyes off them for a second," ordered Gordon. "I'm going to go turn on the Batsignal. Batman has been wanting to take these two someplace safe for a long time. Hopefully they're still young enough to be cured of the monster's influence, for their own good. Thank God you found them."

"Yeah, thank…God," agreed the officer, slowly, secretly wishing beyond reason that he had left them where he had found them.

…

"Boss, you'll wanna stay outta sight," said Rocco, racing over to Joker as he burst onto the riot scene. "There are cops everywhere."

"I ain't afraid of a buncha cops!" snapped Joker. "If they know what's good for 'em, they won't mess with me! Have you found anything?"

"Well, obviously there's a lotta carnage from the riot," said Rocco. "But here's a trail of something leading away from the scene and down the street," he said, pointing to the ground.

Joker kneeled down. "Oh my God…it looks like blood," he stammered. "If someone's hurt my kiddies, they're gonna die slowly and painfully! Hey, wait a minute," he said, squinting at it. "I'm well aware of what blood on concrete looks like, and this is too thick to be blood."

Joker reached down, picked up some of the blood on his finger, and licked it. He let out a cry of triumph. "It's ketchup!" he exclaimed. "The kiddies never have burgers without ketchup! If we follow this trail, we should find 'em in no time!"

He and Rocco raced off in the direction of the trail, which ended abruptly. "Now what?" asked Rocco, looking around.

"I'm thinking, I'm thinking," snapped Joker.

"Hey handsome, looking for a good time?" asked a scantily dressed woman from the shadows.

"No, I'm looking for my kids, actually," snapped Joker. "Boy and a girl, about two, have you seen them around?"

"Maybe," replied the woman, puffing on her cigarette. "Nothing in life is free, though."

Joker sighed heavily and reached into his wallet. "How much?"

"Twenty bucks for ten minutes," replied the woman.

"No, I mean how much will it cost for you to tell me if you've seen my kids?" demanded Joker. "And I warn you not to mess with me, toots – I ain't in the mood!"

"Sheesh, someone's a little tense," replied the woman. "Doncha have a woman to take care of you at home?"

"Yes, I do, and she'll be taking care of me with a giant hammer if I don't find the kids soon!" snapped Joker. "Now how much for your info?"

"A hundred per kid," retorted the woman.

"That's criminal!" roared Joker.

The woman shrugged. "I am a prostitute – we're considered criminals," she said.

"I guess that's fair enough," muttered Joker. "Two hundred bucks," he said, reaching into his wallet. "You know, the quality of people engaging in your profession has really gone downhill. I used to hang out with a bunch of you, and Val would never have charged me two hundred dollars for info…"

"You're a friend of Val's?" interrupted the woman. "In that case, twenty's fine. Any friend of Val's is a friend of mine. She's just the best."

"She is, isn't she?" said Joker, smiling and handing her the bill. "What?" he asked, noticing the look he was getting from Rocco.

"You used to hang out with hookers, boss?" asked Rocco, slowly.

"Don't act so high and mighty, tubby - what do you do?" demanded the woman.

"I'm a henchman," retorted Rocco.

"So you do someone's dirty work for money," said the woman. "Not so different from me, is it? At least I set my own hours, and don't have to obey the whims of crazy people in costumes."

"She's got you there," said Joker, nodding. "Anyway, it's not what you think, Roc – it's a long story called 'Looking for a Good Time.' Check it out if you're so curious. Now about the kiddies?"

"They were heading back the way you came when a cop stopped them," said the woman. "They talked for a bit, and then they got into his car and drove off that way," she said, pointing. "Speaking of Val, she got picked up earlier tonight by the cops, and they took her that way too. I guess that's the way to GCPD."

"GCPD?" repeated Joker, horrified. "My kids are at…GCPD?!"

He let out a roar of rage, kicking at a fire hydrant. "I thought I taught them not to get into cars with strangers! Roc, we gotta bust 'em out!" he exclaimed, turning to his henchman. "Once they're recognized, the cops are gonna call Batman, and he's gonna take 'em away!"

"We can't bust into GCPD on our own, boss!" exclaimed Rocco.

"You ain't gonna be on your own," growled a familiar voice.

Both Rocco and Joker turned, with dread, to see Harley Quinn standing behind them, along with Ivy, Selina, and Emilia. "Baby!" exclaimed Joker, forcing a smile. "What are you…doing here?"

He was cut off with a punch to the face. "How could you lose the babies?!" shrieked Harley.

"Who…told you I did that?" gasped Joker.

"Someone who cares about me, unlike you!" shrieked Harley. "First you lose our precious babies, and then you don't tell me you lost 'em?! What if they get hurt?! What if they get taken away?! You were just gonna leave me in the dark?! You cruel, selfish, horrible monster! I'm gonna kill you for this, right after we get the kiddies back! But I need you alive for our assault on GCPD!" she snapped, grabbing him by his bowtie and dragging him off. "But then you're dead! Dead as Batsy's second Robin!"

"Actually, I think he came back from the dead…" began Joker, but he was cut off with another punch to the face.

"Dead as the Waynes, then!" shrieked Harley. "They always stay dead!"

"Not in the Flashpoint universe…ow!" roared Joker, as he was punched again.

"Thanks for texting us the location, Rocco," said Ivy, as they followed Joker and Harley. "How's your kid?"

"Yeah, she's good," said Rocco. "Just got promoted to head neurosurgeon at Gotham General."

"Now that's what I like to hear!" said Ivy, beaming. "Strong, independent, intelligent women excelling in their chosen field! That's feminism, Selina."

"Uh huh," sighed Selina. "So, you think you'll be coming to more girly evenings in future?" she asked Emilia.

"Well, it's honestly the most excitement I've had in a very long time," said Emilia. "But if this is a typical one of those...then no, I don't think so."

"You're smart, I'll give you that," agreed Selina. "They don't always end with an assault on GCPD, but they do always end with a fight of some kind. We like to keep things interesting."


	8. Chapter 8

"Why don't you two…have a seat?" said Officer Monaghan nervously, gesturing to some chairs.

The twins obeyed, noticing more familiar faces on the wanted posters. "Auntie Ivy," said J.J., pointing.

"Unky Two-Face," said Arleen.

"Who da?" asked J.J., frowning at a poster he didn't recognize.

Arleen studied it, and then smiled. "The Freezer!" she exclaimed, pointing at a poster of Mr. Freeze.

"Psst, children!" hissed Penguin. They turned to look at him. "You need to get out of here!" he whispered. "They're going to take you away from your parents forever!"

Arleen and J.J. shared a look. "Why?" asked J.J.

"It's difficult to explain," said Penguin. "But you need to run, now!"

The children glanced toward the door, but the whole station was crawling with cops. "Too far," whispered Arleen. "Get caught."

"Need help," said J.J.

"Excuse me, officer," spoke up a woman suddenly, striding up to Officer Monaghan. "I've been waiting here for a couple hours without being charged with anything, so I think that means I'm free to go, right?"

"Um…no," said Officer Monaghan, slowly. "We just have more immediate crimes to deal with right now than street-walking. But we'll get to you eventually."

"Well, I ain't a patient lady," said the woman. "And I'm kinda bored. Know anything a gal can do for excitement while she's waiting?"

"Uh…there's a vending machine over there," said Officer Monaghan, pointing.

"You don't have much imagination, do you, officer?" sighed the woman. "You single? Dating anyone?"

"Er…no," he replied.

"That's a shame – you're kinda cute," she purred, sidling up next to him. "Maybe you and me could go somewhere while I'm waiting to be booked and…pass the time pleasantly," she murmured, fiddling with his belt.

"Are you outta your mind?" demanded Officer Monaghan, shoving her away. "First of all, I'm not that kinda guy, and second of all, even if I were, I wouldn't commit a crime by engaging with a prostitute in a police station!"

"Your loss," she said, shrugging. "Anyway, if one of you doesn't get off your ass and charge me with something right now, I'm walking right outta this building."

"Try it, lady," he retorted, returning his attention to the twins. "I got bigger problems right here."

"They don't look so big," said the woman, smiling at Arleen and J.J.

"They're the Joker's kids," retorted Officer Monaghan.

"Are they?" asked the woman. "Well, they are just the cutest little things. Can I hug them?" she asked.

"You can take your life into your hands like that if you wanna," said Officer Monaghan, shrugging. "But knowing their parents, I'd expect them to bite your arm off or something."

"Hey, sweeties," cooed the woman, hugging the twins. "Your Daddy's an old friend of mine," she whispered.

"Where Daddy friend poster?" asked Arleen.

"I don't have a poster – I'm not notorious enough for that," the woman replied, smiling. "Yet. But I'm gonna cause a scene, and you're gonna run outta here. Ready?"

The twins nodded. "These are for you," continued the woman, passing the keys she had swiped from Officer Monaghan's belt to Penguin. "Two distractions are better than one. But wait for me to start the first one."

"Daddy friend name?" asked J.J.

The woman smiled. "Just tell him it was Val. And that he doesn't owe me anything, except looking after you two cuties better in the future. And to let me see you sometime – I should definitely be an auntie," she said, ruffling their hair. "Now wait until they're distracted, and then go."

"All right, you did say I could try and leave," said Val, standing up and shrugging. "So as long as I have your permission, handsome," she said, striding toward the door.

"Hey, grab her!" shouted Officer Monaghan, and the nearest cop attempted to, but was kneed hard in the groin. Val made a break for the door, and most of the police in the station rushed after her. Those who didn't were suddenly distracted by Penguin's cell door banging open as he raised his umbrella.

"Get my lawyer on the phone now!" he shouted.

In the chaos, the twins raced across the room toward the door. They were almost in the clear when they were suddenly tackled by Officer Monaghan. "No, you don't!" he gasped. "Commissioner Gordon would kill me…"

"Commissioner Gordon's gonna be too late to do that," said a voice. Officer Monaghan looked up in dread to see the Joker standing in front of him, looking about as angry as he had expected.

He was suddenly struck a hard blow to the head by a hammer. "Get your filthy, law-abiding hands offa my kiddies!" screamed Harley Quinn.

"Mommy! Daddy!" shrieked the twins in delight, wriggling out from under the unconscious Officer Monaghan. Harley seized them in her arms, kissing them desperately.

"Oh babies, Mommy's never leaving you again!" she gasped, clutching them to her.

Meanwhile, the other GCPD officers had rallied, and now had their guns out, and pointed at the clown couple. "Aim high – we don't want to hit the kids!" shouted one.

At that moment, the earth started shaking. "What the hell…" began one cop, but his question was answered as plant roots suddenly burst through the floor, entangling the officers. A giant plant burst through one of the windows, seizing the nearest officers in its grip and crushing them.

"Happy birthday to me!" sang Poison Ivy, as she slid down the plant. "I take it back - killing cops is the best kinda birthday killing!"

"Hey, J-man!" called Val, waving at him. "Thanks for the rescue!"

"It was for the kiddies, Val," replied Joker, smiling as he sprayed a burst of acid from his lapel flower at a group of cops. "But you're welcome!"

"How did they wind up in here anyway?" asked Val.

"They wound up here because Mr. J is the most irresponsible man on the face of the whole planet!" shrieked Harley, who was turning over a desk to act as a shield for the twins to hide behind. "I leave him alone with the kiddies for one evening, and he gets them sent to the police station!"

"It wasn't that simple – it was a series of unfortunate coincidences!" shouted Joker. "It's not like I wanted them to end up here!"

"Stay right there, babies," said Harley, pointing behind the desk. "Here, you can…finger paint," she said, tearing down a wanted poster and gesturing at a nearby puddle of blood.

"Only red," said J.J.

"Red's a great color – it's Mommy's color," replied Harley. "And you can paint on your Daddy's smile, see?" she said, gesturing to the poster. "Or, y'know, paint blood all over him since that's what his face is gonna look like when I'm through," she muttered, tightening her grip on her hammer.

"Can't we talk about this when we get home?" demanded Joker, tossing some playing cards at the cops, which exploded and sent smoke everywhere.

"We're talking about it now!" shrieked Harley, lashing out with her hammer on some unfortunate officers. "I just honestly can't believe it! I give you one job for one night, outta all the other nights I look after the kiddies, and you lose 'em! And worse than that, you don't tell me you lost 'em!"

"Because I knew you'd react like this!" shouted Joker, pulling out his gun.

"I'm sorry, do you think I'm overreacting?!" shrieked Harley, clubbing a cop's head in. "Maybe I should be calmer when I nearly lose my precious babies, the little loves of my life, and my reason for being!"

"I thought I was your reason for being!" shouted Joker, shooting a circle of cops. "And the love of your life!"

"I hope that ain't true, because you're dead!" shrieked Harley.

"I hate to break up the romance, but could you two lovebirds please stop killing everyone in sight and let's just get out of here!" demanded Penguin. "Especially when you clearly just want to take your aggression out on each other!"

"Actually, I was having fun killing random people," said Joker. "But he's right – we should beat it before Bats shows up."

He headed toward the children, but Harley beat him to it, grabbing both of them. "Let me carry one…" he began.

"I don't trust you!" she snapped. "Red, c'mon!" she shouted at Ivy, who was cooing over one of her plants, which was swallowing a man whole.

"Where's Selina?" asked Ivy, looking around.

"Here – I was checking out the evidence room," said Selina, appearing suddenly carrying a bag. "It's amazing the stuff the police seize from people – someone was wearing a ton of jewels."

"That was me, and you're giving them back," growled Penguin.

"Do you have any proof that they're yours?" asked Selina.

"Yes, they're all bird-themed!" squawked Penguin. "There's three rings, a tie pin, a broach, and a diamond encrusted cane, all carved into ornithological shapes!"

"Yeah, I'm still not giving them back," said Selina, shrugging as she followed Joker, Harley, Ivy, Val, and the twins toward the exit.


	9. Chapter 9

"I've never been a getaway driver before," said Emilia on the phone. "But they said they didn't want to risk me getting hurt in the attack, with the baby and all, so I get to wait in the car and start driving when they get out of the station."

"You're getting into a car with the Joker?" asked Crane on the other end, clearly concerned. "Don't you remember what happened to me the last time I did that?"

"Yes, well, you were being chased by Batman," said Emilia. "I doubt we'll be chased by Batman."

"I just don't particularly want you to be put in danger like this, my love," said Crane. "What if you do end up being chased, and you end up in a car crash? I couldn't bear it if you or the baby were hurt."

"I think you worry too much," retorted Emilia. "It's sweet, but also very patronizing. I am entirely capable of driving a car, and you seem to be suggesting that I'm not because I'm pregnant, as if you're doubting my abilities because I'm a woman."

"I can see you've been chatting with Ivy," sighed Crane. "I'm not trying to make you feel incapable – I'm just trying to honestly communicate my concern at your safety and the safety of our child when you agree to be a getaway driver at the scene of a violent crime. It has nothing to do with you being a woman, and much more to do with my complete distrust of the Joker. Bad things happen around him – he lost his own children tonight, for goodness sake. He's like a bad luck charm."

"Jonathan, I'm surprised you believe in such a silly superstition as luck," retorted Emilia. "The Joker may be a jerk, but he's not some cursed individual that misfortune follows at every turn."

"Then why has he never beaten Batman?" asked Crane.

"Why have you never beaten Batman?" asked Emilia.

Crane was silent. "Touche, I suppose," he muttered.

"How's Katrina?" asked Emilia. "Has she calmed down from earlier?"

"Yes, she's sleeping soundly again," said Crane.

"I'm glad. I can't imagine what Harley's going through, almost losing her children like that," sighed Emilia. "Thank God my children's father is responsible and I don't have to worry. I almost feel sorry for the Joker – there's no telling what she'll do to him after this."

"I will never feel sorry for the Joker," retorted Crane. "He's an awful human being and deserves all the misery in the world. If anything, I feel sorry for Harley. She's never going to let the children out of her sight again. It must be very trying for her, being the only responsible one in the family."

"It's actually the children I feel the most sorry for," said Emilia. "It's difficult to watch your parents feud. I hope Harley doesn't stay mad at him for long, for their sake."

"If she doesn't, he'll never step up," replied Crane. "He'll just keep being irresponsible, knowing she'll forgive him whatever he does. Harley shouldn't be a pushover like that."

"Now you're starting to sound like Ivy," retorted Emilia. "Harley will do what she thinks is best for the people she loves. That's what she's always done. That's who she is. And it might be crazy, but I think she of all people would admit that people do crazy things when they're in love."

There was a knock on the car window. "Just a second, Jonathan," said Emilia, rolling it down.

"They're coming," said Rocco, who was guarding the car. He nodded toward the police station, which had several familiar figures racing out of it.

"Are they all going to fit in the car?" asked Emilia, concerned. "We seem to have picked up some extra people…"

"I guess some of us are walking home," sighed Rocco, knowing he was going to be one of those people.

"Jonathan, I have to go," said Emilia. "I love you."

"And I you, my angel – drive carefully," said Crane.

Emilia hung up the phone as the car doors opened. "Drive, drive, drive!" shouted Harley, as she piled in with the children in her arms.

"Shouldn't we wait until everyone is inside?" asked Emilia, as Joker and Ivy dove in after her.

"Outta the way, Oswald!" said Selina, shoving him aside as he was about to climb in the passenger seat.

"Car's full, and this ain't no clown car – let's move!" said Joker, slamming the door in his face.

"So you bust me out and don't let me escape with you?" demanded Penguin.

"Maybe if you lost a little weight, there'd be room for you," retorted Joker. "But because of the crowd, it's non-fat people only. Val, wanna squeeze in?" he asked, smiling at her. "We can kick the Plant Lady out – she's put on a few pounds of cake tonight, and she's got that middle-aged spread, being over the hill and all...ow!" he exclaimed, as Ivy leaned over and punched him.

"Thanks, but walking the streets is kinda my job," said Val, shrugging. "I'll head home on my own. Good to see you, J-man! Harley!" she said, waving at her.

Harley grunted in response, still clutching her children as if for dear life. "Good luck, J," muttered Val, heading off down the street. Penguin and Rocco shared a look, and then sighed.

"See you at the hideout, boss," said Rocco, as they followed her.

"Ok, drive now," said Ivy, glancing out the back window.

"What's the rush?" asked Emilia, starting the engine.

"That," said Ivy, pointing out the window. Everyone turned to see a dark shape soaring down from the roof of GCPD, the dark shape of a bat.

"Move!" screamed Harley, and Emilia slammed her foot on the gas, tearing off into the streets. "He's not catching us! He's not! Do whatever you have to do to lose him!"

"But if you have to drive into the river, do it as a last resort," said Joker.

"Red, can't you slow him down?" demanded Harley.

"We're not exactly in a big plant area," retorted Ivy, gesturing out at the concrete around them. "There's nothing around here for me to communicate with."

"If he thinks he's getting his hands on my kiddies, he's not!" shrieked Harley. "He's not taking them away from me!"

"But on the bright side, he probably wouldn't ever lose them," said Joker. Harley glared murderously at him. "Just a joke," he muttered.

"This is not a time for jokes!" she shrieked, hitting him with her hammer. "Our kiddies are in danger!"

"How comfortable is everyone with tucking and rolling out of the car, and letting it crash?" asked Selina.

"Pregnant, remember?" said Emilia.

"So that's a no?" asked Selina. "It's just Batman doesn't really give up when he's chasing people."

"He gave up on you," pointed out Ivy.

"Oooh, mi-ouch!" chuckled Joker.

"For the last time, it was a mutual decision!" snapped Selina, turning around and punching Joker. "But a mutual decision is not going to happen here!"

"Look, I'm actually not comfortable with a high speed chase while I'm pregnant," said Emilia, slowly. "And I did promise Jonathan I wouldn't do any such thing, especially with Joker in the car…"

"Why me?" demanded Joker. "I'm just blamed for everything, aren't I? Why don't you punch me too, toots? Everyone else has!"

"You deserve worse than being punched!" shrieked Harley, hitting him again. "This is all your fault!"

"Mommy, stop screaming!" begged J.J., as he and his sister covered each other's ears.

"Stop hitting Daddy!" begged Arleen, who had tears in her eyes.

"Stop everything!" shouted Joker, leaning forward and seizing the wheel from Emilia.

"What the hell are you doing?!" screamed Ivy, as Joker crawled over the gearshift and slammed his foot on the brake. Everyone lurched forward with a cry as the car skidded to a sudden stop.

Joker climbed out of the car. "Drive!" he shouted, racing onto the street.

"Where are you going?" demanded Harley.

"I'm gonna distract him, and you're gonna get away!" shouted Joker. "Drive now!" he said, grabbing a randomer and holding a gun to his head. "He's gonna come get me if innocent people are in danger, leaving you a chance to get away!"

"Actually, that's a good plan, J, and you're gonna get the crap kicked outta you by Batman as a bonus!" said Ivy, cheerfully. "It really is the best birthday I've ever had. Come on, Emilia, drive," she said.

"Daddy!" cried the twins, reaching out their arms for him as Ivy slammed the door. Emilia obeyed, and the twins began sobbing as they saw their father getting further and further away, until he disappeared from view.

"So...back to my place?" asked Ivy. "We can put the kids to bed in the spare room, and then have some celebratory margaritas and murder!"

"Didn't you already kill a buncha people tonight?" asked Selina.

"Hey, you can never have too much of a good thing," said Ivy, shrugging.

"Mommy, where Daddy go?" asked Arleen, sniffling up at her mother.

"Daddy's…gonna go back to Arkham for a little while," said Harley, slowly. "You remember I told you about the Arkham Spa? It's a wonderful place that grown-ups go to."

"How long gone?" asked J.J.

"I dunno, J.J. – depends on how badly the Bat…uh…how long until he feels fully rested," said Harley, slowly.

"I miss Daddy," said Arleen, sadly.

"Me too," said J.J., sniffing.

They began sobbing again, and Selina suddenly sighed. "Well, I was getting bored of this party anyway. Happy birthday, Ivy – see you ladies soon," she said, opening the car door and then tucking and rolling out.

"Selina, where are you going?" demanded Ivy, rolling down the window.

"To help with Bats!" she called back, running off.

"Don't go back to him, Selina – you're worth so much more!" called Ivy after her. "Nobody ever listens to me," she muttered, rolling up the window.

"If you wouldn't mind, Red, I think…we'd all like to go home," said Harley, quietly, as she comforted her sobbing children. "I'm sorry we couldn't kill all those men like you wanted for your birthday."

"Well, Selina's right – I did get to kill a buncha men already," sighed Ivy. "I guess I can let these ones go. Or just keep 'em tied up and feed them to my plants. We'll see how I feel tomorrow," she said, yawning. "Anyway, it's been a good day, but I guess I am a little tired out."

"And I want to get home to my husband and daughter as soon as possible and give them a big hug," said Emilia. "And a promise that I will never, ever get in a car with the Joker again."

"I don't think he'll be able to get into a car again for a little while after the Bat beats him to a bloody pulp," said Ivy. She grinned. "What a wonderful image to finish my birthday with," she sighed.

"And on the bright side, we didn't crash into the river," pointed out Emilia. "So that's good. Still, would you both be terribly offended if I asked to be left out of girl's nights in the future?"

"No, not at all," said Ivy. She shrugged. "An empowering evening of female solidarity and girl power isn't for everyone, I guess."

"Yes, that must be it," agreed Emilia, hoping she didn't sound too sarcastic.


	10. Chapter 10

"There we go, angels," said Harley, tucking her children into bed later that night. "You've had a very busy, long day, but you're safe and sound in bed now."

"Daddy in bed?" asked Arleen.

"Yeah, I'm sure he is at Arkham," said Harley, nodding. "They have curfew there."

"No Daddy story tonight," said J.J., gloomily.

"No," agreed Harley. "But I'm sure he'll tell you lots of stories when he gets back to make up for it."

The twins shared a look. "Mommy, we have question," said J.J.

"What is it?" asked Harley.

"Daddy gone…because us?" asked Arleen, slowly.

"Oh…no, babies," said Harley, gently. "No, Daddy's gone because…it was the only way to keep you safe. See, he was meant to look after you while Mommy was away, but he didn't, and you got put in danger…"

"Why danger?" asked J.J.

"It's hard to explain," said Harley. "But it's dangerous for kids your age to be out alone. Which is why you always need Mommy or Daddy to be with you. Daddy wasn't with you when you went out…"

"Not Daddy fault!" exclaimed Arleen.

"Our fault," said J.J., nodding. "We went outside. Daddy busy, told us to watch shank."

"Watch shank?" repeated Harley, frowning. "What does that mean?"

"Shank," repeated J.J., mimicking stabbing. "Daddy shank snitch."

"Did he? Well, Rocco didn't tell me that," sighed Harley.

"We like shank, but Daddy take long time, and get boring," continued J.J.

"We go see Bug and Roo," said Arleen. "Outside. Then see light…"

"Follow light to food," said J.J. "Not danger."

"Babies, I know it didn't seem like it, but you were in danger," said Harley. "And Daddy was meant to pay attention to you at all times, not be distracted by shanking someone."

"Not Daddy fault," repeated Arleen, firmly.

"We run away," agreed J.J., nodding.

"We punish instead?" asked Arleen.

"And bring Daddy home?" asked J.J., hopefully.

"Oh…I wish it was that simple, babies," said Harley. "But…Daddy can't come home right now. He's not being punished, he…well, I guess he _is_ sorta being punished," she agreed. "But it's the right thing to do..."

"Not right!" exclaimed J.J. "We bad, so we punish!"

"We do wrong, so punish right," agreed Arleen, nodding.

"Daddy no wrong, so no punish," said J.J. "Please, Mommy."

"Babies, there's really nothing I can do about this right now," said Harley. "But believe me, your Daddy will be outta Arkham as soon as possible. There's no way he'd leave you two for very long. He's crazy about you," she said, ruffling their hair. She kissed them both. "Now go to sleep, and when you wake up, it'll be one day closer to Daddy being home."

"Sleep with Mommy?" asked Arleen, hopefully.

Harley sighed. "Well, why not?" she said. "We'll get Bud and Lou inside too, and we can all cuddle together."

"No Daddy," said J.J., sadly.

"No, no Daddy, so we'll have to cuddle extra close to make up for it," said Harley, letting the hyenas inside. She climbed into bed with the twins, and the hyenas bounded up after them, curling up against them. It was a while before they dropped off to sleep though – the twins started crying again.

Harley awoke a few hours later to movement from the living room. Terrified that Batman had somehow found them, she hastened to climb out of bed, careful not to wake the twins or the hyenas, grabbed her hammer, and headed for the door.

She flicked the lights on in the living room, hammer raised, to see the Joker, battered and bruised, and making up a bed on the couch.

She stared at him in astonishment. "What are you doing here?" she asked.

"I live here," he retorted. "Or at least, I used to. Not sure if I'm welcome back anymore – I'm certainly not welcome back in my own bed. There's no space."

"I thought…Batman would have taken you back to Arkham," stammered Harley.

"He tried," agreed Joker. "Got the bruises to show for it. But Selina appeared and managed to subdue Bats – when I left, she had tied him up with her whip and was talking at him about their relationship, so somehow I think he ended up worse off than me. I also owe Selina one now, so I promised her no more pussy jokes. I lied, obviously," he added, shrugging. "But she said as much as she hated me, the kids loved me, and she didn't want them to be upset by being separated from me. Plus she didn't want the Bat to deprive you of my beating, which is rightfully yours. Girl power, and all that," he sighed.

He sat down on the sofa and spread his arms. "So, let's have it, then," he sighed. "You already got the hammer raised."

Harley put it down slowly. "You deserve worse than a beating," she muttered. "You almost lost our kiddies forever…"

"If you think that's what I wanted to happen, then you're an idiot!" he snapped. "You know how I feel about the kiddies! I'd rather die than have anything happen to 'em! It wasn't malicious – I just didn't think they could get out!"

"That's not the point!" snapped Harley. "The point is you were meant to be watching them, and spending time with them, not focusing on your work! You were meant to put them first, before shanking a snitch…"

"They enjoyed watching the shanking!" protested Joker.

"Again, not the point!" snapped Harley. "The point is you didn't give your children your undivided attention, and because of that, they were almost lost to us! I give them my undivided attention every second of every day, and the one time I ask you to share that burden with me, you can't even be bothered! You have so little respect for the things I do to protect our family that you shrug it off, and look what happened! Do you think I was born being vigilant like this? I had to work hard, to make sacrifices, to put my personal feelings second for our family! And you can't even do that for one day! It may not be your intention, but it broadcasts pretty loud and clear to everyone that your family is nothing compared to your own self-obsession! Don't you get that, you selfish clown?!"

Joker said nothing, but grunted at last. "I don't get things that aren't jokes," he muttered.

"Well, I don't think what happened tonight is a joke," retorted Harley. "And I don't think your family is either."

"Yeah, they are," said Joker, nodding. "That's…something I didn't really see before. But it _is_ a joke, a guy like me, an insane, murdering psychopath, with a loving family. A guy like me, who's killed thousands of people for fun, whose idea of fun is torturing a snitch, having kids who just adore him, and adore his violence, and adore his whole monstrous self. A guy like me shouldn't have a family – it doesn't make any sense that any woman would trust him enough to have kids with him. But you did. And the Joker, as a father…well, that does sound like a horrible joke. Batman certainly thinks it is. The rest of the world probably does too. So I should start treating it that way. As serious and as important to me as all my jokes are. As you are," he said, nodding at her. "I need to start making it a priority, like my jokes are to me. Because it's really the best joke I've ever heard. A guy like me, a supervillain, a pathological liar and trickster, who lives only to make people smile beautiful death grins…and a family guy. That's a great punchline if ever I heard one."

He smiled at her. "Speaking of punchlines, you better get to it."

"Oh no," said Harley, folding her arms across her chest. "Nice try, but I'm not beating you. I know how that's gonna go. I hit you, you hit me, and before you know it, we're tearing each other's clothes off. And I'm not ready for the makeup sex part of our fight yet. Our bed is occupied, for one thing."

"We have the couch," pointed out Joker.

Harley shook her head. "Maybe I'll beat the crap outta you tomorrow," she muttered. "For now, come to bed. You'll just have to squeeze in."

"I'm kinda all bloodied up," he said.

"The kiddies won't care," retorted Harley. "They're just gonna be overjoyed to see you. They begged me earlier to punish them instead of you, since they were the ones who did wrong by running off. They said it was all their fault."

"That's true, from a certain point of view," agreed Joker. "But not the right point of view," he added, hastily, as Harley glared at him.

"Try not to wake them," she whispered, as they headed into the bedroom.

"At least get the mutts off the bed," said Joker. "Beds are for people, not animals," he muttered, trying to push the hyenas onto the floor.

Bud and Lou instantly awoke and snapped at him. "Oh, now you're being guard dogs, huh?" he demanded.

"Mmm…Daddy?" asked Arleen, sleepily, opening her eyes. She saw Joker and instantly sat up, squealing in excitement. "Daddy!" she exclaimed.

"Daddy?" repeated J.J., opening his eyes and sitting up. "Daddy home!" he cried, launching himself into his arms, along with his sister.

"All right, don't get so excited, it's way past your bedtime!" snapped Harley. "We can celebrate Daddy being home in the morning, but we're all going to sleep now!"

The twins tried to calm down as they held onto their father as if for dear life. "Thank you for no punish Daddy, Mommy," whispered J.J.

"Oh, he's getting a punishment," replied Harley. "And he'll like it too," she added, smiling at Joker.

He smiled back and kissed her tenderly. "We are one dysfunctional family, you know that?" he asked her.

"Uh huh. Wouldn't have it any other way, puddin'," she said, yawning and curling up against him and the twins. Despite the tight squeeze, they were all asleep in moments.


	11. Chapter 11

Poison Ivy awoke the next morning with a massive headache. "Jesus, I didn't think I drank that much last night," she muttered. "But that's how you can tell it was a good party, I guess – if you don't remember much of it."

She sat up and headed into the bathroom, helping herself to some water and brushing her teeth as she tried to remember what had happened last night. "J lost the kids, and we had to attack GCPD to get 'em back," she said. "I vaguely remember that…he also got beaten by Bats and dragged back to Arkham. And whenever he gets out, he's then gonna get beaten by Harley. Maybe she'll let me kick his ass too, as a belated birthday present."

The thought made Ivy smile despite her headache, and she picked up her phone and dialed a number, whistling. She was surprised to hear a huge racket in the background as Harley picked up, saying cheerfully, "Morning, Red!"

"Hi, Harley, what's all the noise?" asked Ivy.

"Oh, Mr. J is making breakfast with the kiddies's help, and right now they're singing a song while banging pots and pans like drums. I think the song might be the Joker fish jingle, but it's hard to tell when only one person knows the lyrics…"

"Wait, what's J doing there?" demanded Ivy. "I thought the Bat took him back to Arkham!"

"Selina stepped in to help him so the kiddies wouldn't have to be deprived of their Daddy," said Harley. "I need to get her a present next time I see her – any ideas? Maybe something for her cats, like a bag of litter?"

"She what?!" demanded Ivy. "And on my birthday too?! Damn, that's low. I'll remember that, Selina," she growled. "Anyway, I didn't figure J would be in any kinda state to be making breakfast after you were through with him."

"Actually, I think I got through to him without violence, Red," said Harley. "He's the one who suggested making breakfast – he never woulda done that before. And he called Rocco and the gang earlier to tell them he was taking a week off to spend exclusively with the family."

"You know this is just a temporary thing so you won't punish him, right?" demanded Ivy. "He's trying to weasel outta your wrath by being the ideal family man for now, but he'll go back to his old ways in a couple days."

"I dunno, Red," said Harley. "Call me crazy, but I think he's got a new attitude. I mean, I'm still never leaving the kids with him ever again, but I really think he's trying to turn over a new leaf by making the family his priority. Which is sweet and romantic and I can't wait until the kiddies are in bed tonight so we can have hot makeup sex. I'm thinking about it right now, and watching him making smiley face pancakes for the kiddies is really getting my engine revving…he's all sweaty from the stove and the way he just flips those pancakes…it's really hard trying not to jump him right now…"

"Harley, I already feel sick from my hangover, and you're not helping," snapped Ivy. "I can't believe you're just gonna forgive him and make up with him after what he did!"

"What else can I do, Red?" asked Harley. "He may be an irresponsible idiot who nearly lost our kids…but he's my irresponsible idiot, and I love him. And more importantly, the kiddies love him. And they're happy he's home, and so am I, so why ruin it by holding grudges? I'm sure he's gonna do a lot more to piss me off in the future too, but, y'know, I picked him. And days like this, I remember why."

"That's just great, Harley," muttered Ivy. "And it's great that your kids have a role model like that – they're not gonna grow up to be dysfunctional adults at all."

"Hey, I resemble that remark!" said Harley. "And so do you. In fact, so do all my friends. So maybe that ain't such a bad way to be."

"I guess," sighed Ivy. "But you'll forgive me if I want a little more outta life than a dysfunctional relationship. I'm a year older and wiser now, and from now on, I'm wiping the slate clean. No more dating freaks, only normal, responsible, grown-up men."

"Good for you, Red," said Harley. "Now I gotta go – Leenie and J.J. have just started a syrup fight, and Mr. J's outnumbered. Bye!"

She hung up, and Ivy sighed. "Well, breakfast does sound good," she said, as she headed into the dining room. "Oh yeah, I forgot about these guys," she said, noticing all the men she had left tied up. "Well, at least they haven't starved to death. And what better way to start my new older, wiser year than to wipe the slate clean of my exes! I think my babies want their breakfast too," she purred, as she stroked a giant venus flytrap.

The doorbell rang at that moment. "You can chow down, baby – I'll be back in a second," said Ivy to the plant.

She opened the front door to see Two-Face standing there. "Harvey…what a surprise," she said.

"Yeah…uh…look, I know your birthday was yesterday, but when I flipped the coin then, it told me not to come over," said Two-Face, slowly. "But when I flipped it today, it said I could, so…happy birthday," he said, handing her a box.

"Oh…thanks, Harvey, but you really didn't have to do that," said Ivy, unwrapping it. "It's…beautiful," she stammered, revealing a huge emerald. "Harley got me jewelry too, but this is a lot better than a plastic friendship necklace. And there's…two," she said, slowly, as she held up the two identical gemstones.

"Yeah, well, you know me," he said, shrugging. "Can't do just one…I just thought it was a special birthday so you needed to get something special. You know, because you're…special to me. My life woulda turned out a lot differently if I hadn't met you…and you hadn't tried to poison me…certainly would have been a lot less interesting…and…uh…well, happy birthday," he finished, turning to go.

Ivy caught his hand. "I was just making breakfast if you wanna join me," she said. "I also have…some guys tied up in the dining room that I've been meaning to kill, if you wanna help feed them to my babies."

Two-Face stared at her, and then took out his coin, flipping it. "Yes, I would like to do that very much," he said, as it landed bad side up.

"Great! And maybe afterwards, we can get lunch at Oswald's place," said Ivy. "I assume he's reopened after we busted him outta jail last night, and he's supposed to give people a free bottle of champagne on their birthday. I mean, I know my birthday was yesterday, but he owes me for the jailbreak, so he can give me a day's grace period."

"You celebrated your birthday by busting people outta jail?" asked Two-Face, puzzled. "Why?"

"Well, it's a long story," sighed Ivy. "It was meant to be a women-only party, because I was having adult entertainment. It's not what you think – I wanted the gals to help me kill these men, but they raised moral objections to it, buncha sticks in the mud. You know Batman's rubbed off on Selina, and Emilia Crane was there, and she didn't want to personally kill people even though her husband is a notorious supercriminal who frightens people to death. I think she has some disassociation issues, among other things. And Harley was there, because she left the kids with J, who lost them, so they got picked up by the cops, and we had to bust 'em out before Batman could take them away forever."

"Geez, sounds like I missed out on a lotta fun," said Two-Face. "But thanks for distracting the Bat – I did a museum heist last night and I was wondering why he didn't show up to stop me. It's where I got those emeralds. They belonged to Queen Elizabeth I of England, who was also a beautiful, strong redhead who didn't need a man. So I was reminded of you, and thought you should have them for your birthday."

"Oh…Harvey…that's so sweet," stammered Ivy. "Queen Ivy I of Gotham does sound good…and I have promised myself to turn over a new leaf…being Queen of Gotham is a good, attainable ambition, right?"

Two-Face flipped his coin again, and it landed good side up. "Sure, why not?" he said.

She smiled. "You know just what to say," she murmured, taking his hand and leading him inside.

 **The End**


End file.
